"Kris Kringle Condones Crack!"
Is what the papers say,
But Santa cleaned up all the smack
He'd snorted yesterday!

"How in Hell did THEY find out?"
Was running through his head,
He checked again his powdered snout
"I'll kill that little snitch dead!"

That reindeer was who turned him in!
"The red-nose must be flayed!"
He put an all-points bulletin:
"Rudolf runs renegade!"

The elves were armed with Christmas guns,
A spectacle to remember,
Just like that dirty video of how
Donner Does December

The grounds were searched, the stables sacked,
But Santa gave a frown,
They all began face the fact
He was half-way to Tinsle Town!

Poor Santa went to jail for years,
And Rudolf he won't miss.
To this day, you hear him jeer:
"Christmas coersion causes crisis!"